Jobs for 'anyone' in the Metaverse

A cynical look at 10 vocational pathways the emergent spatial web may soon offer career candidates.


10 ~

Social Media managers usually linger on various platforms attempting to be cute, solving issues or garnering attention for their brands in the inane landscape that is centralized social media. As far as Facebook goes it is pretty spirit crushing, staring at a bright white screen with a user interface like a 90's hospital waiting room. Why is it so complex? No one knows.

Positions are forming in the metaverse that serve a similar function, minus the usual tedium. Instead of logging on to Twitter to beef with celebrities over 'which crackers are the creamiest' customer-care-staff could feasibly be paid to hang out with clients and assist with queries. In fact, hiring someone to fight for the honor of your carwash, to the virtual death if needs be, could become common place.



9 ~

We all know a Yoga instructor who is terrified of machines traveling back in time from the future to kill their unborn child, but it may surprise you to learn that some practitioners are

already doing lessons on YouTube and Tik-tok. The idea of learning Kung Fu in the Matrix is pretty played out but learning to kickass without triggering acute social anxiety would be both convenient and liberating. Useful in training clients in dance, theatre, sports, signals and communication - or sign language, the list of demonstrative applications are endless.


8 ~

Authoritarian people everywhere will be thrilled to learn that positions are opening up in the metaverse for former playground victims. People caught breaking the speed limit in certain megacities could be fined by the local law enforcement. Freedom of speech will also be tightly regulated. There may be no criticizing the CEO's of corporations, on pain of death.

It seems likely courts will be formed for specific virtual jurisdictions. If this interests you, check out 'Aragon Court', a dispute resolution protocol that handles arbitration. Anyone that has seen 'Loki' (the Marvel series) will be familiar with 'time cops' preventing time travelers from messing around with the official timeline, this seems likely to manifest in some form or another in temporal mixed reality.


7 ~

Some of you will become professional drivers. Although the metaverse has a myriad of ways to travel and navigate space, expect professional taxi drivers to swarm the nightclubs and bars on a Friday night. In some cases this will take the form of literal taxies, you might even find some gum in the ashtray. I am thinking about 'Crazy Taxi', an old game on the Sega Dreamcast, imagine getting paid to play that for a real living. Driving jobs will not be limited to ferrying people from place to place, you might instead find gainful employment at the race track, driving the pilot vehicle or picking up patients in an ambulance with the sole intention of driving off the edge of a cliff for your monetized video channel.

Airlines might be automated on some platforms but it seems likely there will be air traffic controllers working out how to organize take offs and landings in the most efficient way possible. Perhaps human piloted helicopters will be required to rescue players from mountaineering expeditions. Death might be a massive inconvenience, do remember to buckle up.


6 ~

So you've been gas-lit into believing you have a mental illness, either that or you are genuinely insane, we couldn't possibly speculate. In any case, you'll be needing a metaverse counselor - or perhaps if you are really screwed up, a hypnotherapist.

It is worth noting that certain property locators for this sort of stuff have been claimed already, which might imply that this idea is less novel than we first thought. Imagine leaning back in a recliner, getting all that pent up anger and sadness off your chest. Who knows perhaps you were a roofer in a past life - or Genghis Kahn's cat.


5 ~

Which brings me to my next suggestion, the worlds oldest profession...

Extracting money from horny (usually) males is an age old vocation that seems likely to manifest itself in the metaverse, in some shape or form, even on a wholesome platform like Earth 2 people will find a way. In fact if you dig around online they probably already exist. It is not really my cup of tea so don't expect a well researched paragraph on this topic.


4 ~

It may seem unthinkable, visiting a bar that does not really exist but how often have you been to a party that is BYO (bring your own alcohol). Well, from now on every party will be BYO and you'll never again be in one of those horrendous situations where you wake up to an empty bank account, tied to a lamp post with 20mins to get to your wedding in a different time zone.

No, you will wake up in your lounge half suffocated by a VR headset cable wrapped around your bruised neck like an ambilocal cord, with your pants around your ankles in a sea of urine and cigarette butts. Smoking is encouraged in the metaverse, especially if you are genome mining your first child. Seek help at a fully licensed metaverse AA meeting for this.

3 ~ 'Evil genius' may not be a term of endearment but it does describe a very important role within our shiny new synthetic ecosystem. Having a centralized system running the metaverse is generally considered 'super lame' (this is the technical term). Small-time evil geniuses could still earn a respectable living kidnapping, or building walls around peoples beaches. Embracing your cruel personality flaws could be a great way to make new friends!


2 ~

Radio hosts and DJ's will be just as important as ever in the metaverse (in other words hardly at all) riding with us everywhere we go, or being geographically triggered when a player sets foot in a specific location. Mixing and blending spatial audio is a fantastic field to explore. Creating foley and samples for myriad locations could be a great way to pay off that crippling medical or student debt from metaverse universities and virtual 'placebo hospitals'. You could punish annoying punters with sharpened 'dynamic objects' when they request a lame song, without the fear of reprisals and undue blood letting.



1 ~

Photogrammetrist. You know, 3D scanning Egyptian mummified royalty and having nightmares for the rest of your life. Not creepy at all. Well, it turns out that AI is constantly finding better ways to recomposite images. Wondering around photographing nature, people or architecture (dead people) could be your bread and butter sooner than you think. Platforms are sure to allow users to upload point cloud data from photos eventually.





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